Trust Was Broken Before I Knew His Name

“Healing the Wounds That Kept Me From Trusting God”

When Trust Breaks, Faith Wavers

Faith—the belief in something unseen or not yet experienced—is rooted in hope and conviction.

Trust, on the other hand, is more relational. It’s developed over time through experience, consistency, and reliability.

If you’re struggling to have faith, ask yourself: Why?

Is it because deep down, you don’t really believe God will show up for you?

Have you convinced yourself, maybe subconsciously, that you don’t deserve for Him to intervene in your life?

Or have you built a wall so high to protect yourself that you’ve unknowingly reduced God to the same level as the people who hurt you—guarding your heart from even Him?

Whatever your “why” is, I invite you to be curious. Ask God to show you the true issues of your heart. That’s what I had to do. And it started by letting Him take me all the way back to when my trust first began to break.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! See if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”—Psalm 139:23–24

Where My Trust Issues Began

When you’re a child, you don’t know what trust is—you just give it. Innocently. Freely. You believe the people in your life will protect you, love you, and keep you safe. Until one day, they don’t.

For me, that breaking started early.

When I was between 6 and 7, someone close to me tried to take my innocence. By the grace of God, they didn’t succeed.

At 9, a neighbor tried the same thing. Again, they didn’t fully succeed.

But when I was in high school—it happened.

And later, after I moved away from my hometown to where I now live, it happened again.

All of that, amongst other things, on top of not having my father in my life consistently, not being close to my mom, and clinging to unhealthy friendships and relationships, built a wall of broken trust around me. I carried a mentality that said, The world is full of people you can’t trust.

Survival Mode Became My Normal

I learned to survive by expecting the worst. I didn’t call it that then, but that’s what it was.

I just wanted someone I could count on. Someone who wouldn’t use my vulnerability against me. But time after time, people proved untrustworthy, and so I adapted—I began to settle.

I looked for reasons to overlook red flags in people just to convince myself I wasn’t expecting too much. Even in myself, if I didn’t expect much, then I wouldn’t feel the weight of disappointed as much.

That’s how I learned to cope: by shrinking my expectations and pretending it didn’t hurt when people let me down, then blaming myself when it did. 

This mindset followed me for years. Into friendships. Into romantic relationships. And, painfully, into my relationship with God.

Struggling to Trust God’s Heart for Me

Even after giving my life to Christ, as committed as I was to my relationship with God—I still struggled to believe that He would truly show up for me in the way I’d read about and seen Him show up for others.

I thought maybe I wrestled too much with doubt, maybe I believed too little.

Maybe that’s why He stayed silent sometimes. Maybe I was the problem.

And the overthinking… my goodness, it drained me. It made me question everything, even my worth.

And if I’m being honest, there are still days when I feel that way.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, especially considering how kind and gracious God has been to me. I’m experiencing true healing. He’s brought me to a place emotionally and spiritually that I used to only dream of.

So why do I still struggle to trust His heart for me?

Why is it so hard to remember at times all He’s brought me through?

My Peter Moment

I think of Peter stepping out of the boat toward Jesus. As long as his eyes were on the Lord, he was steady. But the moment he focused on the wind and the waves, he sank.

That’s exactly how I feel sometimes.

When life is calm, I’m good. But when things get shaky, panic sets in. My flight response kicks in.

Instead of remembering God’s faithfulness, I sink into fear and doubt.

I made up in my mind that I wasn’t gonna live like that anymore.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You, all whose thoughts are fixed on You.” —Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

I want my faith so deeply rooted, that even when doubt whispers in my ear, I know His presence is still near.

Take It to Him

One of the most powerful things I’ve learned in this season is that I can bring everything to God. I can bring my past to Him and He’ll help me release the memories and truly forgive.

He’s not surprised by my struggles. He already knows, and yet He doesn’t reject me.

Instead He invites me to bring my burdens and in return, He gives me rest.

When I start to feel like I’m too much or not enough, I remember that I have a Savior who understands my weaknesses.

“This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” —Hebrews 4:15–16 (NLT)

Even when I feel faithless—He remains faithful.

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.” —2 Timothy 2:13 (NIV)

Anxiety, Meet Prayer

When anxiety tries to grip my heart, I don’t push it down—I bring it to God. I pour it all out. I talk to Him like the loving Father He is.

I thank Him for what He’s already done, and I trust Him for what’s ahead.

And somehow, even when nothing around me changes—I do.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” —Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV)

A Prayer for the One Struggling With Their Faith

Father,

I come to You with a heart that’s heavy and honest. You already know the depths of my doubts. You know how often I question, how quickly I fear, how much I worry that I’ve disappointed You.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve doubted too much, if my lack of trust has pushed me too far away. And I hate that I even feel that way, because You’ve been nothing but faithful. You’ve been kind to me. You’ve been patient. You’ve carried me further than I ever imagined I could go.

Forgive me, Lord, when I struggle. I want to believe without hesitation. I want to trust without fear. I want to rest in Your promises without trying to control the outcome. And so I ask You—help me.

Help my unbelief.

Strengthen the parts of me that still wrestle with doubt.

Silence the voice that tells me I’ve gone too far, questioned too much, or failed You one too many times.

Remind me that I’m still Yours. That Your love is stronger than my weakness. That Your grace didn’t come with conditions.

And that even now, especially now, You haven’t let me go.

Embrace me when I feel weak, Lord. Teach me to trust You in the storm and in the stillness.

Grow my faith until it’s not built on how I feel, but on who You are.

And when I forget, remind me again

I am Yours. Always.

In Jesus’ Mighty and Matchless name, Amen.

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