God, Don’t Let Me Have Peace with Crumbs:

The Honest Truth About What I’ve Settled For

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There’s a part of me that wants to feel sure.

Sure that I’m ready.

Sure that this connection is aligned.

Sure that I can trust what I feel.

But lately, I’ve been in a quiet wrestle.

One I finally have the words for… even if they still tremble coming out.

I often pray…

“God, don’t let me have peace about this if it’s not Your will.”

He’s done just that!

Because peace is what I want, but not the kind I create on my own by ignoring red flags or rushing past His whisper.

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The Wrestle Between Wanting and Waiting

I’ve grown. I’m not who I was.

I’m more aware, more grounded, more honest.

But even with all that growth, I still find myself asking;

Am I truly ready, or just tired of waiting?

Is this real, or just familiar comfort in a new form?

I don’t want to make decisions from desire alone.

But sometimes, desire is loud.

Sometimes I start to fantasize about potential before I’ve fully discerned presence.

Sometimes, honesty feels risky, especially when I’m not even sure where I land with what I feel yet.

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This Time, I’m Trying to Listen Sooner

I can’t say I always catch it in the beginning.

Sometimes I still want to believe the best so badly that I hesitate to ask the hard questions.

But I’m trying… slowly, intentionally, and honestly… to listen sooner.

To lean in when the Holy Spirit nudges.

To not dismiss that tight feeling in my chest.

To not call something peace if I had to bury my voice to get it.

Because I’ve been there often.

I’ve ignored the signs.

I’ve made the red flags not appear so bad.

I’ve mistaken comfort and chemistry for confirmation.

And the aftermath?

It wasn’t just heartbreak.

It was a deep, soul-wearing unrest I had to cry and claw my way out of.

So now, even though I’m still learning…

Even though some days I’m shaky with it…

I find myself praying…

“God, don’t let me settle into a false peace.”

Don’t let me get comfortable in something You never called me to.

Help me feel it early even if it hurts.

Even if it costs me company.

Even if I don’t fully understand it yet.”

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I’m Still Learning to Trust My Clarity

I’m not always confident.

Sometimes I question whether what I’m sensing is discernment or fear.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just scared to hope again.

But even in that… I’m showing up more honestly than I ever have.

I’m not trying to be guarded.

I’m not trying to push people away.

I’m trying to stay faithful to what I’ve prayed for.

And that means I can’t pretend I don’t notice what I notice.

I’m tired of performing healed-ness just to make other people comfortable.

I want to be able to say, “this doesn’t feel right,” without feeling dramatic.

I want to be seen clearly…. not as complicated, but as careful.

I want my heart to be seen and not misunderstood.

Because even though I’m still learning to trust my clarity…

I know what it feels like to silence it.

And I never want to go back there again.

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When I Stopped Believing I Deserved More

I’ve been asking myself hard questions lately.

Like, why do I even entertain what I know I shouldn’t?

Why do I feel this tension between what I know is true… and what I still find myself drawn to?

And the honest answer I’ve had to face is this:

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing I would actually get what I longed for.

I stopped believing that someone would see me and choose me. Choose me with intention, with pursuit and with consistency.

I started to believe that what I desired was asking for too much.

And because I started believing it, I stopped expecting it.

So instead of waiting on something real, I settled for almost.

I settled for “maybe one day.”

I accepted crumbs and sometimes not even the crumbs, just the dust from where crumbs used to be.

And I convinced myself it was enough, hoping that if I just gave it time, they’d eventually become what I needed.

But here’s the truth…

I knew. I just made a choice. 

Even in the early days… I knew.

I could feel it wasn’t right.

I felt the nudges.

I felt the pullback in my spirit.

I knew when I should’ve left, should’ve slowed down, should’ve asked harder questions.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I stayed.

I leaned in when I should’ve pulled back.

I accepted the sprinkle of crumb dust and ignored the Holy Spirit’s nudge, over and over and over again…

Until it no longer even affected me.

And when you get to the place where the wrong thing starts to feel normal, that’s when you know belief has been broken somewhere deep.

Because when you stop believing that real love is possible for you…

You stop protecting your heart like it’s worth something sacred.

You start handing out access hoping to be chosen… when God already called you chosen before anyone ever had the chance to prove it.

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I’m Not Asking for Too Much, Just the Right Match

So if I need to pause… even awkwardly,

If I need to step back and take a breath,

If I need to re-evaluate the access someone has to my time or my heart…

I’ll do that.

Not because I have it all figured out.

But because I’m trying to obey… while I’m still becoming.

I don’t always get it perfect.

But I don’t want to ignore conviction just to avoid being alone.

This isn’t about fear.

It’s about discernment.

It’s about staying rooted in the healing that God has started in me, even if it hasn’t fully bloomed yet.

Because I’ve realized:

Clarity may not always feel comfortable, but it is kind.

And so is God.

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To the Woman in the Middle of the Wait

If you’re here too, wrestling with what to feel, how to move, what to say…

You’re not alone.

And your confusion isn’t a sign that you’re broken.

It’s a sign that you care.

Be honest.

Be prayerful.

Be still if you need to.

And ask boldly…

“God, if this isn’t Your will… don’t let me have peace about it.”

Let His “no” interrupt what your flesh wants to protect.

Let His silence speak louder than your emotions.

Let His peace be your compass… not your escape.

Because what’s meant for you will never ask you to betray the healed version of you to keep it.